Andreas Lubitz: Actually Just a Murderer?

After frantically searching for a psychological explanation for co-pilot Andreas Lubitz’s recent downing of Germanwings Flight 9525, some doctors have reached the awkward conclusion that Lubitz, a white man, might be just a murderer.

“This is highly unusual. Unheard of, really,” said Dr. Bradley Stone, head of Johns Hopkins’ Division of Psychoanalysis. “White troublemakers generally have psychological disorders. They hardly ever know what they’re doing.” Stone proceeded to explain that the last purportedly sane white murderer committed his offense in 1974, though “there is still no proof that he wasn’t crazy.”

Criminologists across the United States and Europe have similarly expressed shock that Lubitz might not have been mentally ill. “If it’s true, it’ll throw off our entire field of study,” laments Lisa Holland, professor of criminology at the University of Miami, responding to the accusation of Lubitz’s sanity.  “We usually let psychologists handle white people,” Holland explains. “Frankly, we don’t train criminologists to study white folks. It’s just not what we do.”

Should these revelations be proven correct, they could have unpredictable and reverberating repercussions throughout Western civilization. A “white criminal,” it has long been believed, is an oxymoron as old as the civilization itself. “In the 1300s, they were called ‘lunies,’ though the Enlightenment made that phrase politically incorrect,” describes famed historian Aaron Wilkins. “Never were they called ‘criminals.’ It was degrading. If Lubitz actually wasn’t crazy, well— you can kiss Western society goodbye!”

As for now, all we can do is keep searching for a psychological explanation for Lubitz’s crime. “We’re looking every day,” Stone reaffirmed at a recent press conference. “Let’s hope, for all of our sakes, we find something.”

Tommy Raskin and Ali Rohde contributed to this report.

Posted in "The Cosmonaut"
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