Republicans Prepare to Pretend in 40 Years That They Supported Gay Marriage

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision on Friday upholding the right of same-sex couples to marry, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus immediately implored his fellow party members to “take all necessary steps” to pretend in 40 years that the Republican Party was “behind gay marriage the whole time.”

“You know the drill, folks,” Priebus announced to a room full of journalists, Republican governors, and right-wing pundits. “Get ready to delete everything—angry tweets, cranky Scalia quotes, irrational Facebook statuses about how ‘it’s all happening too fast.'”

Priebus, a longtime party operative who has previously voiced his opposition to same-sex marriage, knows that “it’s not going to be easy” in the age of the Internet.

“The typical strategy has been to complain for a couple of years, stay silent for a while, and then pretend we supported the measure the whole time,” Priebus explains. “That’s what many of us in both parties did with Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, the 40-hour work week, civil rights—you name it.  But with everything online now—well—I just don’t know if we’ll be able to cover all of it up.”

Priebus is not the only one concerned. Ron Mackton, the editor of the conservative mainstay National Review, similarly expressed on Friday that although “we have done it before,” it “just might be impossible to dupe people this time.”

“Like, a lot of people think that we actually supported Martin Luther King,” Mackton giggles over a cup of cappuccino. “Like, hello!  We thought he was a Communist! But that’s just the thing: we’ve pulled it off.  We use his name enough now. With gay marriage, it could be tougher.”

Challenges aside, Mackton is resolute.  “We’ll get it done,” he promises. “What other choice do we have?”
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Posted in "The Cosmonaut"
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